Sunday, July 23, 2006

Remove Beer Can From Paper Bag Before Consumption

The Hooptyrides, Inc. Patio Area
Everybody's asking, instead of posting to your entertaining internets presence, are you running around like a bare chested savage at Hooptyrides, Inc.? Are you drinking from a dog dish? Howling at the moon? Barking at passersby? Are you knee deep in god-awful? Up to your suspenders in filth? Hijacking trash trucks? Like a damned animal in a damned cage?

Considering the condition of Hooptyrides, Inc. on the day that I received the keys I can not begrudge anyone asking such insulting questions. Environmental site testing was completed by taking soil samples from a depth of 15 feet, but if we really wanted to find something fantastic and terrifying, we should have taken samples from the restroom. It was outerspace terrible. Horror movie face eating bacteria awful. After a week, you really started to get a sense that it is filthy but having spent 6 months scraping the floor with a putty knife, only now can I fully understand how bad things can get.

It was a sobering exercise and I am treating it as a cautionary tale. Don't lose sight of civilization. Stay connected with humans. Don't get used to odd smells; eliminate them. Before going garage saling, empty the car of last week's finds. Keep the shoes shined.

As people have done for generations, I dressed up the medicine cabinet in the Hooptyrides, Inc. Executive Washroom with a charming waterslide decal of two kittens.

Ape Products is moving from Burbank, so I have been watching their trash cans pretty closely. I was stunned then delighted to find these ultra custom director chairs. Though not perm for the patio, they sure are a welcome addition to the Hooptyrides shop. What if I need to interview John Force? Or Evil Knievel? Or Ted Nugent? What if Ted Nugent wants to interview me?